As you all know I am working in LGBT activism. This means that I have to live my life in a manner that is transparent. A recent event lead me to step more into my role as a leader. Gay men typically have a really close female friend, some have multiple. During my freshman year of school i had two friends that I was very close to, on that I met there and one that i had known for 6 plus years. One day in my dorm we were watching at an episode of MTV's Made where they featured a gay male wanting to get into sports. While watching the show one of my friends felt comfortable enough to put out an anti-gay sentiment, I remember having this sinking feeling in the middle of my chest. At this point I hadn't "come out" to either of them (though they later told me they knew already). Well even though I wasn't "out" to either of them I found myself yelling at my friend out of pure anger, she of course later figured out why I was so bothered by the things she was saying. Last week I was faced with a similar event as an acquaintance feeling comfortable around me decided that she was going to refer to a more flamboyant male as a "queen." I corrected her and it all at once hit me, I have to do a better job of setting boundaries of what is acceptable behavior around me. Pass that point it showed me the internalized hate that both women and gay men posses. This young lady clearly learned this behavior from another one of her gay associates, gay men referring to more feminine men as a word referring to roles historically allotted to women is nothing new. The problem comes in using them in a derogatory manner, we have adopted the notion that feminine behavior is somehow beneath the behavior of a "man," and in our marginalized community we seek to push each other further away by discriminating against those that display behaviors that are less acceptable by those in mainstream society. I look at it like a pool of water, doesn't matter if you're deep in the end or shallow end, you're still in the water.No matter how well you can dress yourself up to seem more acceptable in mainstream society, the reality is you still dont share in their privileges. Gay men we must stop viewing men who are more feminine than we are a less than us. That is a direct insult to the women in our lives. To the ladies, don't adopt this behavior and find it okay. Adopting the beliefs of our oppressors only solidifies your seat in the margins. The issue I had most with the young lady is that she as a woman through her hateful language was saying out loud that she is less than a man. This behavior was again noted as celebrity Life & Relationship Coach Tony Gaskins tweeted about relationships stating "Ladies, if you feel it's OK for you to ask a man out first..Good luck with that! Not a classy look at all..IMO." Now this is misogyny, true, but what was really bothersome was the number of ladies replying to him, letting him know that their husbands pursued them first and then including the number of years that they have been married. Leading followers to believe that if a man pursues the woman first it leads to a longer relationship. In a more shocking tweet he states, "What many don't understand is that LOVE, & the Principles of Love DON'T change. It's the same in 2011 as 1950. Principles NEVER change.Some peoples Values change, but Principles remain the same." Principles don't change? We need to be very careful who we celebrate and look up to (celebrities), while I have great respect for Mr. Gaskins, this is incident has tainted that respect just a little. After these tweets a lot of my fellow progressive thinkers began to tweet Mr. Gaskins asking him about his tweets, he of course didn't respond to them, he compared himself to Jesus in one of his tweets and as one of my twitter friends(@iamMEchelle) stated, "I guess Tony Gaskins is too 'god like' to reply people who disagree with his opinion of reality." I thank any and everyone that is bold enough to stand up and speak out against language and behavior that is hateful and hurtful to others.
Special love to my girl Ruby Aliyy who sent this to me this morning:
"omg! I had a dream abt u last ngt. I was sitting around w/ a few ppl & having a convo abt y some gay men live straight lives (having a wife & kids & all that) b4 coming out. & some of us sounded real ignorant & u overheard us & started correcting EVERYTHING. & we all felt stupid but u had us captivated. & a crowd formed & it turned n2 a speech & u got a standing ovation afterwards. No lie."
People remember, don't stand by and watch your friends put out hateful and hurtful language. When you stand next to them you're covered in the same bad lighting.
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King Jr.
