Random thoughts on Vision! Expect a Miracle!

Hello world,
Today I was encouraged to write! This time of year is always a special one, laughter, love giving, what more can you ask for? Well this year is a little different, having lost a loving aunt, relationship not going the way I would have wanted and out growing friends it would be easy for me to slip into the holiday blues, BUT, even still I recognize fully how blessed I am!

It’s amazing how we go through things and we can’t for the life of us figure out what God is doing in our lives until one day you sit and you think, if God would have allowed me to stay in the same position that I was in before where would I be now. SCARY THOUGHT! I love how the Lord will open your eyes to things that have been sitting in front of you the entire time, and that vision is more powerful than you could ever imagine.

**side note** This is something I’m working on more and more each day! People don’t do things out of anger! Nothing you do to cause arm or anguish intentionally or not will ever grow! If it’s not to encourage growth and development in a person why are you wasting your life? There are no refunds on time! Forgive me if I've done this to you.

Ok so yea where was I? Oh yea vision, have you ever noticed that the sun seems a lil bit brighter after it’s been cloudy for a while? I thank the Lord that he's allowed me to see my future and where He's taking me a lil more clearer, and even more I love that he won’t let anyone even ME get in the way for His plan for my life!

I too am grateful for the people I have in my network, like minded people with the common goal to love hard, do right by people and better their future by bettering themselves! A lot of the people that have been escorted out of my life were made to leave because there was no fire in the system! What makes you happy, what gets you up out of bed every day to stay on your grind? How are you being a blessing to someone? Each of my friends is living their lives in a way that encourages me to do better! Not saying they're perfect but they are walking perfectly to an imperfect beat! Love that we can go from talking about what song we like to talking about what going on in the world! Broaden your scope people. Also, chose happiness! Life is for the living, if you don’t find joy in something in ur life u need to go back to the drawing board!

**side note** Joy, joy isn't living in a perfect situation but knowing that despite your situation we know and understand we serve a perfect God who will guide us through the dark and stormy nights! Not the absence of trouble, the recognition that there are better things to think on and be consumed with than your troubles!

Any who, yesterday in church I was reminded to always be expecting your miracle, I think we sometimes will pray for something and we halfway rest on faith! It’s like we have one foot standing on the water and the other still on the boat afraid to step out! We must remember that we serve a God who works in miracles, signs and wonders! This is what He does! How insulted would you be if you were at work and someone didn't trust your ability to do the job you've been hired to do?

Ok I think my tangent is done for the moment lol

Oh one last thing! SPEAK IT! The power over life and death lies in your tongue! Encourage yourself! Don’t depend on man to do it, man will always fail you! And yes God knows your innermost thoughts but sometimes you should speak you thanks!

Peace Prosperity & Passion

Embarking on lonely

The state of being lonely is a strange concept. Mainly in that in most situations its an oxymoron of sorts. Most people are never truly alone physically in life but mentally the loneliness can at times be overwhelming. I woke up this morning with a heavy mind and heart. It seems that i have become a stranger amongst those who are so familiar. I have distanced myself from people with whom i have spent an unimaginable amount of time with. It struck me when my "friend" wrote me a text message asking why i didn't call him on his birthday, no that's not the bad part, the bad part is that once i read the text i did a Kanye West shrug and kept on with my day. Lately I have been growing mentally, spiritually, and withing my career. UGH! i think some my friends are like an old t-shirt, its really is faded and doesn't fit but u just cant throw it away! #packrat! SAD I KNOW! Bitter sweet, im growing and I'm gaining life experience and associates that are motivating to say the least, but unfortunately i now have to cut off those who aren't preparing themselves for any type of future. OH! and to the ones who are trying to block my grind i really suggest you move before you meet the bulldozer that is me!

Music vs Noise

What do we consider true music in this day where music every you could imagine, tv, computer, phone, heck you can even get tunes on you tooth brush lol. In a discussion with a high school classmate we tackled this issue.

I asked him what made him identify with a certain "artist" and he mentioned Gucci Mane and how he raps about his childhood and being raised poor. Now in my mind I see nothing wrong with a person rapping about their past, but, I would rather listen to an artist who makes it their goal to make music to reach an audience with a message or is it to make money or popularity?

Give me a rapper who will rap about how he made it out of the hood over one who raps about how hard he is cause he lived in the hood even though he now lives in the suburbs.

It seems that mainstream music will always be about getting a hit that will make people shake their assess in the club or make lil suburban kids feel like thugs when they ride down the street banging their rap music. Don't get me wrong i enjoy dancing to hot music just like the next but as far as what i will be playing on my ipod, that will be music that makes me think and inspires me to get through the day.

Music isn't music to me unless it serves a purpose and has a message! Kinda like convo, if there is no point to it then Why?

Currently im playing Kid Cuddi's "Man On The Moon: The End of Day"
Current track "Soundtrack 2 my Life"

Do You See What I See?

Hidden in secret passages of life lives a young mind battered by the trial of time and life and not sure of what direction to propel the energy harnessed in the straps of fear. Traveling amongst uncharted stars, head way above the clouds mapping skies mentally unvisited, unable to escape bondage of fear thoughts flood the mind, what do you do when your dreams are in plain view, you believe in them but not sure if they believe in you?

Is it inconceivable that a mind aesthetically sound be crippled by the mystery of what could and might not be.

Funny, i started this posting on 10/13/09 and I couldn't find the words to complete it.

Here goes, nearly a year later and the journey has progressed... It's amazing what others see in us and we ourselves fail to see. What if I told you that you are capable of greatness? What if I said that the only thing in between you and your destiny is the limiting force you've placed on your life? Could you subscribe to such a notion? If I asked you to sit and have a conversation with yourself about what things are scaring you to the point of inactivity how comfortable would you be with doing it?

We're never taught to get to know ourselves, where we truly want to go and life and what it takes to get there. Yes, we're asked, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" But prior to that we should be asked, what kind of person do you want to be in life? What type of legacy do you want to leave behind?

On this continual journey I've been afforded the opportunity to meet some interesting people, some left great jewels of knowledge and other left scarring reminders, but both taught lessons that can't be priced. While learning these lessons I learned more and more about me and ended up learning that I never took the time to figure out who Chaddrian wanted to be or how he wanted to get there. As I took the time to figure out the things within me it drastically changed the manner in which I dealt with others. Getting to know myself and essentially falling in love with myself allowed me to become aware of my value.

...Value....

Value is essential, once you view yourself as valuable anything is possible! Finding true love, getting that dream job, even being yourself OUT LOUD!

I encourage everyone to take a little time to get to know themselves, stare in the mirror, get familiar with what you see, sit in a dark silent room, get familiar with your thoughts, and write out the desires of your heart as if they have already happened, get familiar with your goals.

As for now and the rest of my life, I'm no longer afraid of the unknown, I operate in positivity and perspective and as @JTwitty on twitter says "Dreams DO come True! Imagination is Everything... It's as simple as ABC #AskBelieveCreate... GO!"

Looking forward to my further growth, no going backwards! I've deactivated the reverse in this ride!

yes or no? on or off?

When thinking about what thoughts I would get out of my mind and into words many things came to mind. Would i write on gay-marriage, equality, health care, possibly love being predestined or by chance? But I'll save those for another time, here goes.

I chose this topic by the picture above, i really wanted to write a piece on the black gay males desire to create an image of themselves as over the top flashy beings and came across this image and my mind went crazy. Homosexuality. A choice? Genetics? Life experiences?

Of course most wont agree with one another on this topic but my thoughts on it are quite simple, who would choose to be gay? I didn't prior to my birth go to God and ask, "Father can i please be gay?! I would love to be stereotyped, treated with open and hidden hatred from family and enemies alike. Oh and if you can add in there unequal rights I would very happy! I mean who wouldn't want to a nice fight to have basic rights?" The thought sounds a bit absurd right? I mean you don't pick out your sexuality like you pick out a shirt from your closet.

Don't get me wrong I love who I am and by no means am I ashamed of who I am, but to think that I made some kind of choice in this ordeal is crazy. Now I understand that some may not understand even still so let me put this light on it, put yourself in the position of your ancestors, Do you think that when our people were considered less than human and unworthy of equal rights(go figure)were walking around thinking, "Hmm I don't have equal rights and I'm treated like an animal, I'm so happy I chose to be black." LOL FUNNY I KNOW! There is no internal switch that I have to change my sexuality, trust me if there were I would have done some type of surgery years ago.

Now whether its came from genetics or life experiences I cant say, I personally have never been raped or touched inappropriately and also I'm not sure of any traits in my family that would have lead me to be gay but either way all that we are both by genetics and experiences was,in my beliefs, organized in a master plan to get us where we're supposed to be in life. After all genetics made u black, the experience of slavery and the civil-rights movement made our people strong, but just imagine what life would have been if our ancestors were truly given the choice of being black, yes or no?

We don't choose the things that make us up, we don't know where we're supposed to be in life and takes most of us a lifetime to figure out how to get there. When looking a person don't make assumptions about them or judge them based on things that the can't control. How easy life would be if we had simple decisions to control everything, on or off?

Bleeding Love

A boy sits in the face of a familiar stranger,

Enduring verbal punches placing his mental and emotional state in danger.

Confused by the source of this hate as if the sun had somehow generated rain,

His mother spits out daggers of hate causing him great pain, she screams with great veracity,

“There will be no faggots in here,

And I knew you needed a man in your life but your sorry ass dad refused to be there.

And I told you not to play with dolls,

And I made you play football,

And I always wondered if those where really your ‘homies’ when those boys used to call.

See son I don’t think you understand,

There is no way I will ever accept my son sleeping with another man!

And if at birth I knew this is who you were adoption would have been my choice,

And now that I think about it you always did have a twang in your voice.

And you didn’t walk you pranced,

And there were no girlfriends no teenage romance.

I just can’t figure out where I went wrong,

But I should have assumed as much, the way you stood in the choir stand singing those songs.

But an end will be put to your disgusting disgrace,

But until we meet with the pastor tomorrow my suggestion is for you to get out my face.”

So the son sits alone in his room,

Seeming to be a dungeon holding sorrow and gloom.

Thinking to himself wondering if he’ll ever wake from this night mare,

As wild thoughts fill his mind the young man just blankly stares.

He pulls out a pad and he begins to write out the sentiments of his mind,

And once he has written out he thoughts he hopes it is peace that he finds.

He reaches in between his mattresses and he grabs the blade he had placed there long before

One of those times like this when he felt life wasn’t worth living anymore.

His hands tremble and shake because he’s scared,

But he musters the strength this time he will say goodbye he is prepared.

He slices into his flesh with each rip he feels more free,

Free from the pain and tears caused by the hated of humanity.

And just as life leaves his body,

He whispers, “Mother I’m sorry I’m not the man you would have had me be.”

The next morning the mother wakes to a strangely quiet house,

A house that is normally amplified with the sound of her son’s mouth.

She just assumes that he is upset about yesterday's talk,

Plans to apologize cook him breakfast and suggest a walk.

As she opens her son’s door she lets out a shriek,

There in blood drenched carpet lays her son’s body on the floor.

Next to his body lays a pad with a letter addressed to her,

“Dear mother,

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better source of pride in your life,

But asking me to be straight is as absurd as me asking you to take a wife.

I would hate for you at my expense to look at me with hatred in your eyes,

And if only to relieve you of that pain I’d rather a morgue be where my body will lie.

So with this I bid you my final goodbye.

Love your
son,
Today Tomorrow and Forever

Being single

My last break up was one that was surprising and foreseeable all at the same time. What i mean by that is simply that all the red flags were there but some how i thought love would get us through! Needless to say it just wasn't enough!When my ex told me at the beginning of our relationship that he had a bad attitude i laughed it off thinking that no one could have a "tude" that out did mine, when he threw his temper tantrums with family and friends because he didn't get his way I ignored them, after all it was geared towards me, and it was in that mistake that our relationship began to end.

Our relationships like all had their issues, and when the bothered me i addressed them and we worked through them for the most part, but the issue we didn't help each other grow. See i should have still brought to my ex's attention the weakness that he displayed in his tantrum even if they weren't done to or around me, by helping him grow i would have in turn helped us grow. Now don't get me wrong i don't at all blame myself for the things that he did but rather am owning my part in the actions leading to our split. You see while i didn't throw the tantrums i did indeed make him comfortable throwing them, that is until he pointed that anger arrow my way.

What i learned through experiencing my ex is that people with extreme anger issues are victims of life, nothing is there fault and simply because something isn't going the way they want it to go the world around them must pay and due to the lack of self control they lash out in different ways ( verbally in the case of my ex, no he never put his hands on me or anyone that i know of). Until a victim understand that they are the captain of their ship and can indeed become a victor there is little to no chance of getting through to them.

Once i understood this i took it upon myself to choose happiness, no longer would i sit angry or cry or have my friends be the crutch to my pity party with my unhappiness being the theme, YES YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE HAPPINESS AND CREATE IT, IT WILL NOT JUST COME TO YOU!

I then had to formulate my exit plan, it would be a fantasy to think that this would be an easy ordeal to just walk away from, i had to learn for myself that i was and am worthy of happiness and that that happiness will be mine with or with out him. So from there i laid out my demands, we can; 1. fix our problems through better communication skills, 2. become friends where we can still grow and respect one another or 3. cut out losses and move ahead in life. He asked me if i wanted to just end this, and I in my thinking manner understood that this is just what he would want, for me to end things with no input from him so he could again spaz out because the world (well me in this case) was again out to get him. I in turn told him that i didn't get in this relationship alone so i wasn't going to end it alone. He of course accused me of leaving him for another man, not understanding that this was about no one but me!

Time went on and at this point we were barely communicating through text message, well i ended up catching him in a lie and we were discussing it and his anger of being caught caused him to spaz out again and at that point my answer was clear as to where our relationship would be in the future and that is in the imagination of anyone who wants it to exist.

Now that im I'm in a healthy relationship I understand even more now that you cant find happiness in anyone else, you create it within yourself and then you can share it with others!

LOL forgive my rant just needed to get that out of my head.

Friendship

I have some of the best Friendmily(friends + family) in the world! Though recently life has saw fit to reveal to me that some people who I gave that title to were not fitting for it. I was a little confused and down about it for a while then as I lay in bed one night it was as if God Himself peeled open my eyelids to the lesson He was teaching me. So I began to prune the tree named Chadd, lover, cut, a couple new associates, cut, a few life long friends, cut! Now it seems that life moves with such fluidity! We really have to understand that having people in your life is no good if they're no good for you. Being alone does not constitute lonliness it often means you are all in one, standing complete on your own! No one can complete you they can only compliment or complicate you! I love MOST of the people that have come in and out of my life, but the thing about love is sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go.People also, since when did the quantity of conversaions dictate the quality of your friendship? Reason, Season, Lifetime....which one do you identify with?