Disease not symptoms

Recently Oprah has again taken on the issues of DL men and the reckless behavior that SOMETIMES come along with their lifestyle. Unfortunately while Ms. Winfrey's intentions MAY have been good she failed to report on the entire issue.

Its easy to believe that DL men, in particular DL black men, are insensitive thoughtless men who can't be "men" enough to admit who they really are. But that would be looking at the surface of the issue. You have to question what would make a man be DL, what would make them choose to take a wife and a male lover. A DL man in my opinion is one that knows of his attraction to males but can't embrace it openly or quietly, he feels he must live a heterosexual lifestyle to keep their image acceptable by those around them.

I know you might be thinking well why can't they just embrace who they are the way you have Chadd...

WELL....

I haven't always been comfortable with who I am, being raised in the black community where being gay isnt embraced I drilled with the concept that being gay was disgusting, that it made you less than worthy of love and that the family I loved would have nothing to do with a homosexual family member.

I specifically remember being told things like

"Go play with the boys, you don't want to be a punk."

"I won't have no faggots sitting on my couch."

"Faggots are a disgrace to family."

Just to list a few. So the concept of telling my family that I was gay was a no go, I'd much rather get a girl pregnant while in middle school than tell them that I was gay. As I addressed my orientation I chose to do so in secret. But that secret wouldn't last long, I was pulled out of the closet by an aunt and drug right into the church.

Now anyone that knows anything about the black baptist church you know that anywhere outside of the choir, any sign of you being gay is not the thing to be displayed. Once I was pulled out of the closet my youth pastor began a series of lessons on how to pray the gay out of me, and my parents decided to start weekly bible readings, all of the lessons spoke on the abomination that homosexuality is or being obedient to your parent. To top this my senior pastor had just published a book on dl men (of course I won't advertise such a book) and how to point out their behavior and why they are such a disgrace to our society.

Now here I was in high school, attempting pray my gay away, after all, I didn't want to lose my family and be sent to hell to burn for all eternity. So I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more. Made every attempt to be straight, meanwhile I'm being drilled with questions from my parents "Well did someone touch you?" or "Why don't you just get a girlfriend?"

A HA!

Was this going to be the thing that gave me peace? It was worth a shot, so I got a girlfriend (yea I just laughed a little) needless to say that was short lived and so was the peace at home. Mom tried to be encouraging buying me every book she could find on being delivered from this "demon" and giving me cards with all sorts of of scripture and quotes written in them. She was serious y'all! All the while no one asked me how I felt about what I was going through, all they knew was that it was wrong and had to be changed.

Growing impatient with the would be miracle of my deliverance my mother and step father resulted to anger and name calling, which made me go into further hiding with my identity. I guess for the second time i was "dl" again. So I played straight on the surface and was gay in secret. Hey I was in survival mode, I had to make the best with what I had until I at least got to college. OH! COLLEGE! LOL! There was no way that my parents were paying for a gay child to go to college, believe me I know, they told me several times.

I went into grind mode, I had to find every scholarship that I could find so that I could go to college free of my parents' wallets. As college neared it seemed that going to college without my parents' support was a pipe dream. I spiraled into a darker place than I was in before. After failed suicide attempts, teachers who refused to let me fail, and a military recruiter who told me the military wasn't for me, I finally got a scholarship that would supplement the money I received from the state to go to school.

FREEDOM!

But wait how do I end this relationship with my parents? That was the only way that I could be who I am with no grief with them. Well needless to say me coming out again in undergrad didn't fly over well, but what was different now was I had no dependency on them and I had surrounded myself with those that love me for who I was.

Love

Thats the point of it all. We must love our youth and let them know that they are worthy of love and respect just because they breathe. SO OPRAH and others, when you see a DL man, don't just think of who he is today, keep in mind that just like there are experiences that have molded you to be the person you are today, that there are issues within that man that have cause him to be who he is. Not excusing him though, he should deal with his past and heal from it in a healthy manner, but just thought that the full issues should be addressed. Double life style is a symptom of the disease of hate that has been poured into them....JUST MY THOUGHTS!

Get

Get knowledge or get lost
No im not telling you to leave
Im simply telling you to fill ya brain
Fill it or it be barren as if its been diseased

Dont be considered zombie
no not the ones from the movies cause they know they've met their demise
Im speaking of the truly scary type
The ones floating through life thinking they're alive

Get knowledge or get lost my friend
the world's secrets all dwell in books
leaders have you confused and bewildered
knowing you will feel weird cause the buddies told you not to take a look

But see somewhere over the rainbow lies a land of greatness
The road map to this to this oasis is available for all to see
but get knowledge or get lost my friend
This map requires you to read.

Greatness is yours if you choose it
Are you willing to put out what it cost
There are no shortcuts to greatness
So get knowledge or get lost

GET IT?