yes or no? on or off?

When thinking about what thoughts I would get out of my mind and into words many things came to mind. Would i write on gay-marriage, equality, health care, possibly love being predestined or by chance? But I'll save those for another time, here goes.

I chose this topic by the picture above, i really wanted to write a piece on the black gay males desire to create an image of themselves as over the top flashy beings and came across this image and my mind went crazy. Homosexuality. A choice? Genetics? Life experiences?

Of course most wont agree with one another on this topic but my thoughts on it are quite simple, who would choose to be gay? I didn't prior to my birth go to God and ask, "Father can i please be gay?! I would love to be stereotyped, treated with open and hidden hatred from family and enemies alike. Oh and if you can add in there unequal rights I would very happy! I mean who wouldn't want to a nice fight to have basic rights?" The thought sounds a bit absurd right? I mean you don't pick out your sexuality like you pick out a shirt from your closet.

Don't get me wrong I love who I am and by no means am I ashamed of who I am, but to think that I made some kind of choice in this ordeal is crazy. Now I understand that some may not understand even still so let me put this light on it, put yourself in the position of your ancestors, Do you think that when our people were considered less than human and unworthy of equal rights(go figure)were walking around thinking, "Hmm I don't have equal rights and I'm treated like an animal, I'm so happy I chose to be black." LOL FUNNY I KNOW! There is no internal switch that I have to change my sexuality, trust me if there were I would have done some type of surgery years ago.

Now whether its came from genetics or life experiences I cant say, I personally have never been raped or touched inappropriately and also I'm not sure of any traits in my family that would have lead me to be gay but either way all that we are both by genetics and experiences was,in my beliefs, organized in a master plan to get us where we're supposed to be in life. After all genetics made u black, the experience of slavery and the civil-rights movement made our people strong, but just imagine what life would have been if our ancestors were truly given the choice of being black, yes or no?

We don't choose the things that make us up, we don't know where we're supposed to be in life and takes most of us a lifetime to figure out how to get there. When looking a person don't make assumptions about them or judge them based on things that the can't control. How easy life would be if we had simple decisions to control everything, on or off?

Bleeding Love

A boy sits in the face of a familiar stranger,

Enduring verbal punches placing his mental and emotional state in danger.

Confused by the source of this hate as if the sun had somehow generated rain,

His mother spits out daggers of hate causing him great pain, she screams with great veracity,

“There will be no faggots in here,

And I knew you needed a man in your life but your sorry ass dad refused to be there.

And I told you not to play with dolls,

And I made you play football,

And I always wondered if those where really your ‘homies’ when those boys used to call.

See son I don’t think you understand,

There is no way I will ever accept my son sleeping with another man!

And if at birth I knew this is who you were adoption would have been my choice,

And now that I think about it you always did have a twang in your voice.

And you didn’t walk you pranced,

And there were no girlfriends no teenage romance.

I just can’t figure out where I went wrong,

But I should have assumed as much, the way you stood in the choir stand singing those songs.

But an end will be put to your disgusting disgrace,

But until we meet with the pastor tomorrow my suggestion is for you to get out my face.”

So the son sits alone in his room,

Seeming to be a dungeon holding sorrow and gloom.

Thinking to himself wondering if he’ll ever wake from this night mare,

As wild thoughts fill his mind the young man just blankly stares.

He pulls out a pad and he begins to write out the sentiments of his mind,

And once he has written out he thoughts he hopes it is peace that he finds.

He reaches in between his mattresses and he grabs the blade he had placed there long before

One of those times like this when he felt life wasn’t worth living anymore.

His hands tremble and shake because he’s scared,

But he musters the strength this time he will say goodbye he is prepared.

He slices into his flesh with each rip he feels more free,

Free from the pain and tears caused by the hated of humanity.

And just as life leaves his body,

He whispers, “Mother I’m sorry I’m not the man you would have had me be.”

The next morning the mother wakes to a strangely quiet house,

A house that is normally amplified with the sound of her son’s mouth.

She just assumes that he is upset about yesterday's talk,

Plans to apologize cook him breakfast and suggest a walk.

As she opens her son’s door she lets out a shriek,

There in blood drenched carpet lays her son’s body on the floor.

Next to his body lays a pad with a letter addressed to her,

“Dear mother,

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better source of pride in your life,

But asking me to be straight is as absurd as me asking you to take a wife.

I would hate for you at my expense to look at me with hatred in your eyes,

And if only to relieve you of that pain I’d rather a morgue be where my body will lie.

So with this I bid you my final goodbye.

Love your
son,
Today Tomorrow and Forever

Being single

My last break up was one that was surprising and foreseeable all at the same time. What i mean by that is simply that all the red flags were there but some how i thought love would get us through! Needless to say it just wasn't enough!When my ex told me at the beginning of our relationship that he had a bad attitude i laughed it off thinking that no one could have a "tude" that out did mine, when he threw his temper tantrums with family and friends because he didn't get his way I ignored them, after all it was geared towards me, and it was in that mistake that our relationship began to end.

Our relationships like all had their issues, and when the bothered me i addressed them and we worked through them for the most part, but the issue we didn't help each other grow. See i should have still brought to my ex's attention the weakness that he displayed in his tantrum even if they weren't done to or around me, by helping him grow i would have in turn helped us grow. Now don't get me wrong i don't at all blame myself for the things that he did but rather am owning my part in the actions leading to our split. You see while i didn't throw the tantrums i did indeed make him comfortable throwing them, that is until he pointed that anger arrow my way.

What i learned through experiencing my ex is that people with extreme anger issues are victims of life, nothing is there fault and simply because something isn't going the way they want it to go the world around them must pay and due to the lack of self control they lash out in different ways ( verbally in the case of my ex, no he never put his hands on me or anyone that i know of). Until a victim understand that they are the captain of their ship and can indeed become a victor there is little to no chance of getting through to them.

Once i understood this i took it upon myself to choose happiness, no longer would i sit angry or cry or have my friends be the crutch to my pity party with my unhappiness being the theme, YES YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE HAPPINESS AND CREATE IT, IT WILL NOT JUST COME TO YOU!

I then had to formulate my exit plan, it would be a fantasy to think that this would be an easy ordeal to just walk away from, i had to learn for myself that i was and am worthy of happiness and that that happiness will be mine with or with out him. So from there i laid out my demands, we can; 1. fix our problems through better communication skills, 2. become friends where we can still grow and respect one another or 3. cut out losses and move ahead in life. He asked me if i wanted to just end this, and I in my thinking manner understood that this is just what he would want, for me to end things with no input from him so he could again spaz out because the world (well me in this case) was again out to get him. I in turn told him that i didn't get in this relationship alone so i wasn't going to end it alone. He of course accused me of leaving him for another man, not understanding that this was about no one but me!

Time went on and at this point we were barely communicating through text message, well i ended up catching him in a lie and we were discussing it and his anger of being caught caused him to spaz out again and at that point my answer was clear as to where our relationship would be in the future and that is in the imagination of anyone who wants it to exist.

Now that im I'm in a healthy relationship I understand even more now that you cant find happiness in anyone else, you create it within yourself and then you can share it with others!

LOL forgive my rant just needed to get that out of my head.

Friendship

I have some of the best Friendmily(friends + family) in the world! Though recently life has saw fit to reveal to me that some people who I gave that title to were not fitting for it. I was a little confused and down about it for a while then as I lay in bed one night it was as if God Himself peeled open my eyelids to the lesson He was teaching me. So I began to prune the tree named Chadd, lover, cut, a couple new associates, cut, a few life long friends, cut! Now it seems that life moves with such fluidity! We really have to understand that having people in your life is no good if they're no good for you. Being alone does not constitute lonliness it often means you are all in one, standing complete on your own! No one can complete you they can only compliment or complicate you! I love MOST of the people that have come in and out of my life, but the thing about love is sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go.People also, since when did the quantity of conversaions dictate the quality of your friendship? Reason, Season, Lifetime....which one do you identify with?